Finding My Way Into YOU

“All I want to do is find my way back into love,” as the song goes with my voice slightly shaking out of nervousness as I sang in front of the crowd who boisterously cheered without a care if my partner and I were off-key. I was first year college then. I have had relationships in between but lost them all, including myself.

Fast forward, I have *$^!$# moved on, like I can give a crocodile-wide smile to my exes, without grudge. Because I have endured that part, a dear friend asked me to do a “moving on” article as if I am the legit one to do it. I tried but I could not seem to finish it. Perhaps, I was destined to write the opposite, no, the one that’s familiar to me - finding my way back into love.

It was not easy. There was no clear road leading me to Mr. Right. Just when I thought my heart has succeeded from that grueling struggle of letting-the-past-go, the hardest part has yet to come. The hardest part was trusting again. I have tried to make calculated risks because what is it to live “carpe diem” or #yolo if I still have that blanket covering my vulnerability. But I ended becoming a control freak, planning out what might be’s and what should be’s. It was not seizing the moment.

Then he came. He walked with ease - so smooth, manly and dang, it got me jaw-dropping. I was completely stunned. But of course, the dalagang-Pilipina in my blood prevailed and just kept my cool. I had my eyes on him; I could not resist that part. I did not bother to ponder whether he likes me or not. I did not care whether he loves basketball as bad as I do. All I knew from that point on, I wanted to talk to him. He stung me like crazy I was too curious I wanted to know what and how he thinks. At least give me one chance, I prayed.

My eyes were silently pursuing him, his every move. My ears were on stealth mode capturing his voice at every second. Our actions were in sync, with me glancing as he glances back. I could not explain what it was that got me into him, but surely, I was not love-struck. I was not in cloud 9 either, but I knew I was flying. It was a breath of fresh air, that kind of feeling when your high school crush smiles at you or mentions your name. It continued for a while, and the sparkle became a little evident when I learned he asked for my name (*blush). It was nuts. I never had anyone ask for my name, none of my crushes. I was never the “crushable” beauty, I have long realized this truth.

I waited for him to approach me. The waiting turned into months of feeling awkward every time our eyes meet with the expression of “hello there”. Sadly, no words were spoken. I was heartbroken again. Then I said to myself I should not hope for love anymore. I was probably not worth it.

But as Nina puts it, love moves in mysterious ways. I got the chance to consult him in a work-related matter. It was urgent; I gulped a pinch of pride and approached him with fear of rejection. But he was kind enough to answer me back. Then we started to chat, then a few weird emails and off to our first-date, first wall climb. Our story slowly unfolded from his love for “Bohemian Rhapsody” to Ritter Sport to basketball to his asking-my-name plan to anything. Things seemed to naturally fall into place.

It was not an easy ride, though. I remember confronting him for trying to pull a prank on what he claimed were lyrics of the song “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”. I shed meaningful tears for that and started to re-consider our high school-like busy season love affair. I hated his uber sensitivity in tagalog sentence construction. I hated to hear he drinks and party a lot. I hated that I was into him. I hated that I was still too afraid to fall but he has hit me hard. Am I going to let this pass, again?

Ours is not a story no one has ever heard of. Quite typical - reserved and heartbroken probinsyana meets easy-going city-guy kind of plot - but it as one-in-a-million as anyone else claims theirs’ to be. I do not know if he is my Mr. Right. I want him to be. But one thing was certain to me then, I know “I could not lose him because I was afraid”. There was an inner surge shouting he is for keeps. Indeed, I want to keep him so long as I live.

Jump off from that fear of rejection and pain; go and grab that coat of courage and let out what you feel. So what if you get busted? So what if you are ignored? So what if you do that very one thing you have been planning and waiting for years? No one cares, just so you know. 

The world will not stop when you laugh, more so when you cry. Then, why fear? Take that leap of faith into love, into life. Live free. Live to love. That is seizing the moment.

Post Script: The author opted to keep her identity undisclosed. She sent the article with only her fierce-sweet pen name on it---Andrea_Astig.